Monday, June 13, 2011

My super cool idea for new content and stuff.

From the future:

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ORDER AND DESTRO, KITTIES AND DOGGIES I present to you my design for patch 1.4.4!  1.4.3 brought 300,000 players back to the game and also has given us 300,000 new players and WAR is back in action! So I have been assigned in bringing you the newest patch! First off, I'd like to show you my new pink tie I got in honor of this occasion.
Yes, this is a tie. How wonderful wouldn't you say?

Anyways. We have major changes coming for you! Here are the patch notes for 1.4.4!

  • We are adding a new zone... straight out of the warhammer lore books.  It will be called Sahmyou-ale-Jagsoon. Sahmyou-ale-Jagsoon will be a land of many voices and intrigue, you must fly to get there.. but watch out for those pesky snakes!
  • A new dungeon in Sahmyou-ale-Jagsoon! This dungeon will have not require wards and instead tome unlocks gotten! Oooh won't the players love this! We cannot give you more details on this dungeon only that it will be really, really awesome and you will have so much fun exploring it's secrets!
  • Waldo is being added randomly to each zone.  Should you find waldo you will receive a waldo token, if you amass 5 tokens it is good for a free lap dance from Charlie Sheen. (We'd also like to take this time to apologize for the offense we may have caused with our addition of Osama Bin Laden to land of the dead)
The following will be the new scenerios for each tier.

Tier 1:
  • Eternal Citadel
  • Eternal Citadel
  • Eternal Pitadel (EC, but points can only be gained by punting people into the pit)
Tier 2:
  • Eternal Citadell (EC but with dell, so you crash lawts)
  • Eternal Citadel
  • Eternal Citadel
Tier 3:
  • Eternal Citadel
    Eternal Citadel (but with no indent)
  • Eternal Citadel
Tier 4:
  • Eternal Citadel
  • Eternal Citadel
  • Eternal Citadel (but with no rat in the backround)
Combat and Careers:
  • Archmage
    • Bug Fixes: Fixed an issue that caused them to deal spirit damage, then will now appropriately deal physical damage
    • Balance Changes: Added ability called "Isha's Pregnant!!" that causes all female characters in the area to have their strength increased by 90 and causes all male characters in the area to have all stats reduced by 10.

  • Black Guard
    • Bug Fixes: Fixed tome unlock, OH WAIT LOL thats for another section.
    • Balance Changes: Guard now is 800% more effective than other tanks. Just because "guard" is in their name

  • Black Orc
    • Bug Fixes: Fixed a tooltip issue that we will not reveal to you, we just want to look like we're doing something
    • Balance Changes: Added ability called "Screw Da Plan!" which makes your Black Orc reroll a Chosen.

  • Bright Wizard
    • Bug Fixes: Fixed a bug that made them shoot fire, they now appropriate shoot silly string
    • Balance Changes: Lowered damage of all abilities but made them as strong as an Ironbreaker

  • Choppa
    • Bug Fixes: Fixed an issue causing the ability "Get To Da Choppa!" to not appropriately play sound wav when used.  It will now correctly play the exact sound clip from the movie
    • Balance Changes: Created an ability called "Da Wedgie!" usable only on Slayers.  Further clarification is not needed.

  • Chosen
    • Bug Fixes: Ravage now does physical damage instead of spirit damage.
    • Balance Changes: Added new ability called "Stench." Can only be used as a morale 3 and makes your chosen take off all his sweaty armor exposing his stinky body to enemies and friendlies alike.  Staggers them until they are hit or til they puke.

  • Disciple of Khaine
    • Bug fixes: Fixed Fist of Khaine tooltip issue, ability is now correctly named "Fist of Chris Brown"
    • Balance Changes: Created ability called "Khaine's the Father." When used around an Archmage the archmage immediatly loses 80% health, the dok loses 98%. When used there's a "Jerry! Jerry!" chant in the backround

  • Engineer
    • Bug Fixes: The one Magnet move now pulls people from all across the world.
    • Balance Changes: Gave the Engineer modern day technology, all machines are now a lot more effective.  Added new ability called "Nuclear Bomb" that is an aoe auto crit stagger that does 5000 damage. 

  • Ironbreaker
    • Bug Fixes: Corrected a bug that caused Cave-In's knockdown to last a decade.
    • Balance Changes: Added a move called "Aye Enjoy Grudges!" that causes them to turn red from rage and burst like a water balloon, instantly killing the ironbreaker but creating a youtube viral hit.

  • Knight of the Blazing Sun
    • Bug Fixes: Fixed their graphic helm that makes them look like a silly clown (Invader gear I think it is)
    • Balance Changes: Added a move called "Sigmar Refresh Me!" which spawns a Sunny D bottle which they can drink and regain 600 health.  Cannot be used after the ability "Brush Teeth"

  • Magus
    • Bug Fixes: Fixed an issue dealing with the disc. The disc now appropriate drags on the ground when at low health and running away (because that would make sense for them moving slower, right?)
    • Balance Changes: Made all their DoTs spirit damage and all their demons now breakdance on command.

  • Marauder
    • bUG fIXES: mY CAPS LOCK IS BACKWARDS.  This has been fixed
    • Balance Changes: Added new mutation to marauder, "Cannon." Which switches all their str to balistics and their melee power/crit to ranged power/crit and so on.  Shoots projectiles, can only auto attack.

  •  Rune Priest
    • Bug Fixes: Fixed even more freakin' tooltips
    • Balance Changes: Whenever someone says "RP" to signal a rune priest, they will instead be given renown points. This ability can only be used once a day.  Renown points given will vary, you will receive renown points equivilent to how many calories Rosie O'Donnell has consumed in the past hour.

  • Shadow Warrior
    • Bug Fixes: Now made them fat, they are no longer as skinny as supermodels
    • Balance Changes: All abilities damage increased by 500 damage, festerbomb however, now deals only 7 damage.

  • Shaman
    • Bug Fixes: Everytime a hack accusation is made about Gork Sez Stop, 500 snotlings will be eaten.
    • Balance Changes: Added ability called "Mork Sez Go!" Which is basically the opposite of Gork Sez Stop, if both Mork Sez Go and Gork Sez Stop are used on the same target then the world will explode and simply cease to exist. Dealing 30,000 damage to all individuals in any zone.
  • Slayer
    • Bug Fixes: Mohawk now is multicolored!
    • Balance Changes: Added ability called "Diaper Change" which increases slayer speed by 40% for 30 minutes.  Can only be used once every 6 hours.

  • Sorceress
    • Bug Fixes: All male sorcs have been executed by request of Malekith.
    • Balance Changes: Same as bright wizard.

  • Squig Herder
    • Bug Fixes: Squigs now try to eat you.
    • Balance Changes: Added an ability called "Write Memoir" telling the story of the Squig Herder's abuse from his larger countparts, the orcs, and how to make up for it he bullied the snotlings.  The only reason he could cope with himself is to make friends with squigs.  The ability grants everyone within 30 feet +500 intelligence for 7 seconds.

  • Swordmaster
    • Bug Fixes: The position things now correctly look like the Swordmaster is dancing the tango.
    • Balance Changes: Took away all abilities and added one ability that is the equivilent to the chosen's "Ravage."

  • Warrior Priest
    • Bug Fixes: Head now shines... very brightly
    • Balance Changes: Every hammer hit has a chance to crush bone, snaring the target and making them move at 1% movement speed...

  • White Lion
    • Bug Fixes: Lions now look like adorable kittens. 
    • Balance Changes: Pounce now can be used cross map. Lions now juggle balls for circus entertainment, earning you gold.

  • Witch Elf:
    • Bug Fixes: Warpforged gear graphics has been fixed, the class is now pretty much naked in order to draw more curious 13 year olds to the game.
    • Balance Changes: All finishes are now ranged. Added move called "Seduce." All male characters in the area will have all stats reduced by 700, except  for warrior priests, who will grow hair. All females will have their damage increased by 250% and their stats increased by 40 each.

  • Witch Hunter
    • Bug Fixes: Gunshots now correctly deal 8000 damage.
    • Balance Changes: Added move called "Insane bloodlust" which insta kills any chaos in the area.  But in return all dark elves will love the blood and have their damage and healing increased by 200%

  • Zealot
    • Bug Fixes: The class has been renamed "Arisechicken"
    • Balance Changes: Flash of Chaos now deals damage to your target instead of healing it. Why? We don't know either, we just like making pointless changes.


  • My Island will now be given to me.  Charge to visit is 10g per hour. Also adding swimming pool and waterslides along with Big Bird impersonator.
  • We are adding 600 more quests and 2,600 more tome unlocks.
  • The Tome of Knowledge will now track you giving you personal information. (Where you hit rr 80, who you hit it on, when you hit it, where you live, your credit card number, your favorite pet, so on so on)

That's all folks! And as a teaser to next patch... ever want a mentally retarded skeleton as a pet?


  1. Tru, please explain to me what happened here when I equipped my BO with the 2H sword from LotD.

    Also, ignore my Pandora music going on in the background.. I guess Fraps was recording all of the sound going through my computer.

  2. Well your sword obviously is done with it's life being a sword and wants to be a dancer, this was it's true calling.

  3. Yes, it all makes perfect sense now.. thank you, Doktor! Now I can sleep because I feel better knowing what was going on there.

  4. We definitely need EC as a perm SC. I just wish they would've realised it about half a year ago.

  5. Bug Fixes: Lions now look like adorable kittens.

    Best patch evar!

  6. Omg... the awesome here is, well, so freaking awesome. I literally laughed until I was dieing from asphyxiation and crying my eyes out. Favorite change: Isha's Pregnant. I wish our real patch notes were even a 1/4 this funny.